It all started in spring 2013, I was taking a gap year between high school and college and had so many plans what to do in that year, but psychosis was not one of them.
I was trying to get a job during that year but I couldn’t find any. Almost everyone in my surrounding was either on college or working so I was pretty much on my own. First period was hardest, as I thought so. Not having a purpose or social structure was hard as it would be to any teenager. Loneliness, depression and not knowing what to do with your life is so much harder when you are too young to understand how life work, or anything else.
Most of the time I was getting high with a friend, listening music and trying to find a job but slowly I was getting lost and loosing touch with reality.
It all started really slowly and from this point of view I can see why I believed in everything i saw and heard. First, in that confused stage, I started to pay attention on very small details and things around me. My thoughts weren’t well focuesed and were wondering around giving me bizarre conclusion about what is happening. Earlier I was discovering eastern religions and were pretty much all in that so I started to meditate and as my thought were out of a control firstly I came to conclusion that somehow I was more spiritual and that I had open my third eye and see things differently then before.
Slowly, but dangerously I started to hear voices in my head that were out of control as time was passing by. It is hard to describe exactly how it felt hearing voices that aren’t actually there. You don’t hear them like you can hear someone you are talking to, it is like you can hear your thoughts just as you can do it everyday but having hallucinations, specially hearing voices is like hearing thoughts that are out of control and depends on stage of illness you are.
Voices were telling me all kinds of stuff and as time was passing by they become more convincing and aggressively. During that 3 months of having psychosis I was mostly home, in my room trying to figure it out what the hell is happening. During nights I was wandering around at town trying to follow what signs were telling. I haven’t slept or ate like i used to. I ignored my personal hygiene like brushing my teeth and showering.
In that psychotic state I had so many beliefs that sounds silly right now. Psychosis is like living in different reality, parallel universe were everything you knew is now upside down. Imagine one day waking up and realize that reason people smile is not because they are happy but it is because they are showing you their teeth which they symbolize you that they are going to eat you if you don’t do what voices are telling you.
Friends and family were also trying to figure it out what is happening to me but somehow I could pretend that I was only depressed. Important thing to know when someone is in psychosis or other similar state is that when you are ”crazy” you are not stupid. Although you have new reality in your head whom you are convicted that is true you still know what is ”normal” and that people will think you are crazy if start telling them that end of the world is near and other belief you have.
Psychosis have many forms, in my case was paranoid psychosis which is most common during adolescence and it was acute, which means that is more like ”adolescent breakdown” who could may never come back if you take of yourself and take medication regular and visit a psychiatrist.
During psychosis I almost do so many thing that could harm me per life. One time I was convinced that my eyes are two cameras and that whole Asia is watching every part of my life and making fun of me, I was so sure about that that I almost rip off my eyes with scissors just to stop that horror which was in my head. Having hallucinations is most hardest thing I have been through. You are never alone, with all that voices in your head, with all that paranoia and feeling on being constantly watched by millions of people. Even now, 5 years later I still can remember that fear.
As time was passing by my health was getting worse. I haven’t slept at all, lose 20 kg, and living in dirt and all I done was staring into objects in my room and being in total control of voices and what they were telling me.
One day, after not sleeping for a week i completely lost every track of common sense and had belief that I was in someone else control. Like marionette doll. I went to take a walk on the path I go everyday on bus stop, not knowing where to go or having any control on my body and mind. As I was walking voices were telling me that I am in different reality, in matrix / video game or something similar. That I am guilty for everything bad in this world and that I need to pay my price. Somehow I ended up on a top of my middle school and felt like I need to jump and just kill myself to end this misery. And I did that, except I didn’t kill myself but i jumped and ended up in hospital with plaster or all over my body, luckily I didn’t have any serious damage but I was pretty fucked up let say it that way.
After few days in hospital they transform me to Psychiatrist ward and before i know it I was tided up with some kind of chain to a bed, not able to move and only staring in one tree in yard.
People, family, friends were coming to visit me but I didn’t want to talk to anyone, just staring in that tree and wishing I killed myself that day.
But, one day my doctor came to my room and started talking to me. At first I thought that he is some silly doctor who secretly work for organization who is trying to kill me but as we started to talk he explained me that I had psychosis, that chemistry in my brain is not well balanced and that if i take my medication everything is going to be like it used to, even better! I was taking that medication as soon i came to the hospital but I thought that they were giving me candies or something like that.
When he convinced me in that I have psychosis I was …happy! I started smiling and being overwhelmed by joy that i have one more chance to live life I want to. I called my mother telling her I am crazy and that I am happy about that. She just smiled and was happy too to hear her son happy for first time after so many months.
I spend a month in hospital and meet so many people there on ”lunitic ward” who inspired me so much. I meet so many people who you couldn’t believe that have any mental illness. Like i said; we are all invisible warriors 🙂
So this was my short story of what happened to me, in future posts I will write more about my recovery, accepting illness, fighting with inner demons and thing I do that helped me and much more.
Please if you like it so far or have any suggestion, contact me
Stay strong my invisible warriors 🙂